Say Hello, Wave Goodbye

Recently, I have been searching for courage to start conversations that I am sometimes too bashful to have with other parents.  When I am brave enough to open my mouth, I usually find comfort and reassurance that I am in good company with a lot of the struggles that I am encountering.  

In the spirit of all things Mommyhood… I’m going to vent a little.

I want to talk about my son Tommy.  My bright, beautiful, rambunctious and curious little boy.  When he walks into a room, I melt.  He is a little Mama’s Boy but yet a strong, independent little person with a fierce personality.  He has me wrapped around his little finger and he knows it.  He loves to cuddle and sit up in the crook my arm.  He loves being tickled and tossed around the couch.  He is such a boy with his vrooming cars, roaring dinosaurs, zooming planes and acrobatic climbing abilities of furniture of all shapes and sizes.

When Tommy was about eighteen months old, I started to notice that he wasn’t as verbal as his sister was at that age.  I heard from everyone how this would come along, not to rush it.  His Pediatrician assured me that girls are different and boys take their sweet time talking.  I took it in stride, pushed it to the back of my mind but kept that incessant nervous worry.  I couldn't shake that feeling of Mother’s Intuition that something wasn’t quite right.

Fast forward six months.  Still the same words, sounds and social cues.  No real development of anything concrete.  It was then that I went with my gut and demanded that someone tell me something.  My little boy is smart and present, I could see it clearly… but he was struggling to talk to me.  Tommy is almost two and a half years old and I have never heard him say “Mama.”  He can’t quite recognize that things have a name. We tried picture books, photo albums and videos with concentration on words and sounds. We had Mexican stand-offs at the refrigerator where I refused to give him any juice until he could ask me for it. I was frustrated and heart broken and finally had to ask for help.

After some soul searching, we eagerly entered the world of Early Intervention, hoping for dramatic results.  What an eye opening experience to have your son “tested” and “evaluated.”  Therapists, Speech Pathologists and Child Psychologists came to our living room to play on the floor with him and study his mind, his reaction to objects and puzzles his cognitive ability and his fine motor skills.  I sat helpless, watching as an outsider judged him and took notes on his every move.  One afternoon, Tommy and I even sat in a soundproof box so audiologists could test his hearing and to make sure his ears are doing their job. When all of the testing was complete, we received a twenty page document describing all of the findings of their studies.  Brian and I sat on the opposite side of a boardroom table with specialists, and child psychologists listening to them dissect and analyze every little piece of this little guy. Needless to say, it was heart wrenching.

It was determined that Tommy is a very healthy little boy with no severe developmental disabilities but with a very striking delay in his speech and some occupational therapy challenges.  I am grateful and relieved that these are obstacles that Tommy will be able to overcome with time.  I count my blessings that this isn’t life changing… but I continue to beat myself up on a daily basis.

The one thing that keeps playing over and over in my mind as we go down this path with him is, Have we done enough?  Did I teach him enough?  Do I read to him enough?  Am I working too much? Is this my fault?  I am reassured over and over again by the professionals that this has nothing to do with me.  It is just the way his little mind is working and we are going to have to bring these things out of him.  He’s going to have to work for it.  

I am exasperated by this.  I am bashing my head against walls trying to understand why this is going on.  I realize that some of this sounds selfish.  But I really cannot help myself.  I am his Mom.  I want all of the best in the world for him and there is nothing I can do to make this better but be patient, kind and wait it out.  I think that my biggest downfall is making comparisons to other children.  I hear other children his age speak multiple sentences and I can’t help but grit my teeth.  People chuckle at how adorable it is that Tommy carries his airplane Dusty with him everywhere he goes.  I love that about him too… but I also realize he carries a toy with him constantly because without it, he cannot concentrate.  As soon as it leaves his little hand, he is lost and inconsolable.

I need to respect my little man for who he is and to respect that he is different.  When it is all said and done, I have a healthy little boy with no major concerns, just some hiccups that are going to take some love and care to smooth out.  It’s just another bump in the road of this strange journey called Parenthood.  

I am going to continue to stay positive.  I am going to cheer for his achievements and push him to try harder and at the end of the day, I am going to squeeze him a little tighter to let him know how proud of him I am and how very much I want him to reach every goal he sets his eye on. I am also going to try to be kind to myself.  I am winging it and learning as I go. I will cherish every wave hello and goodbye that I can get.

Balancing Act

It has been an absurdly long time since I have sat and thrown some words together. I started this blog as an opportunity to force myself to do something that I love and to make time to reflect on Motherhood.  Writing has always been a comfort for me.  Through many ups and downs in my life, I have always found myself reaching for a a pen and paper to get myself through.  Infuriatingly, I can't seem to find the time to do it.

I’m coming to the realization that a weekly commitment to a blog is not feasible for me.  Monthly?  Maybe.  Annually?  Absolutely!  With two kids under four, life has started to take me to new contemplation of the term “busy.”  Let’s not forget sleep deprived, overworked, stressed.  My wardrobe is a disaster, shoes falling apart, split ends everywhere.  I have clean sox, but not many without holes or that are ever anything but the color grey.  Honestly, I am a hot mess day to day.  If I can guzzle a cup of coffee, make the beds and vacuum the floor, I feel sincerely accomplished.   I most likely would not be able to survive without Google calendar and caffeine.  I’m coming and going in a blur.  Add to the madness that I work four to five nights a week, which contributes much needed money to the checking account, but also adds to my exhaustion. 

I feel disconnected from my friends and family because I don’t have time for a decent phone conversation or cocktail out in the real world.  When I do have time to sit on the couch, it is usually with my husband a glass of wine and a half-assed conversation while we try to catch up on one of our DVR’ed shows that ultimately results in me falling asleep while sitting straight up. 

I hate sounding like I am complaining because my life feels nothing short of wonderful.  However, from the time my feet hit the floor in the morning, it is a never ending to-do list until I plop in bed for the night.  I will admit I am the queen of multi-tasking.  For example, right now I am typing this post while deflecting Tommy with my foot so that he will not eat the potting soil in my floor plant. 

I often wonder how people continue friendships and relationships once they become a Mom.  It is certainly one of the most incredible experiences I’ve ever hoped to have and I would never change a thing.  But I am without a doubt the shittiest friend right now.  I remember birthdays and I always show up at special occasions.  How on earth to people have the time and energy to fill a day with busy little people, packed calendars with ballet classes and wiggle & giggle time and are able to socialize with friends and loved and maintain quality relationships?  How do they hide the bags under their eyes and look over at their husbands and say, “Yes honey.  I totally want to make out right now though I’m pretty sure I haven’t showered since last week’s swim lesson.”  (I’m guessing they are heavily medicated or undercover alcoholics.) 

Thankfully, I do have a have a few compassionate girlfriends who actually get it.  And as a matter of fact two of these friends don’t even have children and excuse my horrible flakiness constantly.  Even better than that, they make an effort and constantly work around my hectic life just to hang out with me once in a while.  If that is not the definition of a true friend, I don’t know what is.

I really do feel as though my daily life is a balancing act.  It’s a struggle for me.  Some days are easier than others but mostly I am just hanging on and looking forward to the extra half hour of sleep that my husband sometimes affords me on the weekends.  Usually it’s Sunday morning.  (So, let’s throw in a little guilt trip in right there.  Tommy is a year old and the only time he’s been to our church is for his Christening!)  I find myself counting the hours until nap time and then afterward counting the hours until bedtime.  Isn’t that just lovely?

Wow...!  This felt good to get out.  I’m feeling much better.  I guess I will reheat my coffee for the third time and reward myself with an episode of Parenthood...while counting the hours until the munchkins get into their pajamas.  Or better yet, until my husband comes home with some form of alcohol.

Hello New Year!

Sitting here drinking the coffee that I have warmed up three times, balancing our checkbook, paying bills, getting organized.  Daddy is back in the office, Rosie is at school for the morning and Tommy is in the middle of his morning slumber.  

It's so ironic how I can be heard complaining about the monotony of being stuck in a routine but yet thrive and get so many things done when we are back to normal.  

I never thought that I would be one of those Mom's that actually looked forward to sending their kid to school.  As a matter of fact, when Rose started Nursery School this past September, I cried my eyes out for the first two days.  She is only there for three mornings a week, but it was a big adjustment for me.  Seeing her become this independent little person with a backpack and a group of friends was a huge change.  It made me sad to see my little peanut wave goodbye and walk away from me into her classroom, without a care in the world.

Soon enough, I got over it and realized how good this was for her.  More importantly, it became clear how important it was for me.  Having mornings to myself gives me the time to have a little peace without a tornado of girly princess rambunctiousness following me around everywhere I go.

It also gives me a little quality time with Tommy, who deserves a little of that since he spends all of his time in the enthusiastic shadow of his big sister.  
  

 In this new year, I'd like to make a couple of resolutions to myself.  Do I want to get in shape and lose ten pounds?  Drink less, exercise more?  Of course.  But this year I've decided to love myself more, spend more time making messes with my kids instead of constantly cleaning them up and to go a bit easier on myself.  

After all, it is another year spending all of my time raising these two.  And I am so forever grateful to be experiencing the little people that they are becoming.

Techie Toddler Stuff: My Favorite Apps

I have worked nights as a waitress for as long as I can remember.  Since college, I always found my way into a restaurant to make extra cash.  Now that I have my own young family, I found that working nights gave me the freedom to be able to stay at home with them during the day.

Being a waitress, I have witnessed many families with children and their methods of getting them to sit still to enjoy a decent meal... quietly.  As parents, we all know how much fun it can be to take our children into a restaurant to have a nice family meal out.  We imagine a sweet dinner with please and thank-yous and best of all, no dishes to be done at the end of it all.

I have my own methods of managing the restaurant meltdowns:  Crayons, coloring books and stickers.  Inevitably, I will have to dump out the contents of my purse for a lip gloss for Rosie to entertain herself with.  Bribes of ice cream.  Fifteen trips to the potty.  A few walks around the restaurant.  But when it gets ugly, I break out the big guns.  The iPad.

Now... don't judge.  Before I had rug rats of my own, I used to shake my head at parents that would break out their portable DVD players or tablets to distract their little ones.  But truth be told, it is quite possibly the best invention I've come across.  Hey!  A Mama has got to enjoy her dinner out once in a while.  Even gulp down a glass of wine.  The iPad is mostly used for long car rides and the prevention of public meltdowns.  I have to say it is a miracle worker in these situations.  I am pretty picky about what applications I download.   A great resource that I have discovered is Ipad Kids.  It is a website that recommends new and educational games.

Here are a few of my favorites!

Peek-A-Zoo by Duck Duck Moose

 This is a really fantastic application.  It teaches kids to identify different kinds of animals and recognize sounds, emotions and actions.

Itsy Bitsy Spider by Duck Duck Moose

 

Another awesome app.  Great interaction with the itsy bitsy spider.  It educates kids on the environment, weather and different animals.

Daniel Tiger's Neighborhood:  Play at Home with Daniel by PBS Kids

In this house we love everything Daniel Tiger.  This is such a great children's show on PBS.  It teaches many everyday lessons with songs to help remember them.  This app is a lot of fun.  It gives kids the chance to interact with Daniel and all of his friends.  Music, stickers, coloring, the works!

Watch Disney Junior 

This application allows you to watch all of your favorite Disney Junior shows.  A little Sofia the First or Jake and the Neverland Pirates always saves the day!

Disney Digital Books

A catalog of really awesome digital books of Disney classics.  Rosie loves to read the stories on her own.  A lot of them feature jigsaw puzzles and coloring pages as well.

Happy Ipad'ing!  And most of all... Bon Appetit!

A Mother's Intuition

Lately, I have been reflecting a lot about how fortunate I am to be a Stay-at-Home-Mom.  I remember having Rosie and arranging a daycare for her so that I could go back to work.  When it came time to do it, I was frightened, sick, terrified.  It wasn't the right choice for me and I did everything I could to make sure I could stay here with her.  I was fortunate to find a job close to home working nights.  I work four nights a week to this day.  And while most days I am beyond exhausted and challenged by the full time responsibility, I never regret my choice to be here with them.

Unfortunately, not everyone is as lucky as I was in my situation.  Maternity Leaves are so unbearably short and most families nowadays have two parents that have to work full time to make it all happen.  This leaves young parents searching for childcare and help.  It's such a hard thing to go through.  Especially as first time parents.

A very close friend of mine has found herself in a terrible situation with her childcare provider, and I felt strongly that I wanted to share her story.  Mostly to help her find closure, because I know there are so many women out there that can relate to her.  I also wanted to bring awareness to other young mothers that sometimes things just aren't what they seem.

My friend began her relationship with her daycare provider when her daughter was very young.  She was in the same predicament that many women today find themselves in.  The struggle that they want to be home with their brand new baby, but that life demanded her to maintain her career.  She was fortunate enough to have a loving mother and mother-in-law to watch her daughter part time but needed a place to bring her to fill the gap.  She found a well-recommended Mother-Daughter Team type daycare facility.  Reputable, friendly, dedicated.  She was thrilled because it felt like family.  It felt like a home away from home where she could leave her beautiful baby girl without worry or strife.  It seemed like the perfect place... until it wasn't.

My friend began noticing inconsistencies.  Small things like schedule changes, missed naps, etc.  Nothing too serious, but important enough to inquire about and ask for help in maintaining.  There were other things... nothing too dramatic, but things that concerned her with cleanliness that made her uneasy.  But she loved it there.  She knew that her daughter was loved and happy and that was what comforted her in the hours that she had to leave her.  

One night the baby was getting a bath and Mom noticed a good size scratch on the back of her head.  It concerned Mom, because she didn't know where or how it got there.  So, she did what any parent would do, she asked the daycare provider, the people who spent the most time that day with her, if they had noticed it and if anything had happened at school that day?

And you know what happened?  They attacked her.  They told her she was overreacting, that she was fabricating accusations and that it was offensive to them.  Furthermore, that she should think about finding one-on-one child care since that was not the kind of quality attention that they could provide to her daughter.  Mind you, this was over text message.  Not in person, not over the phone, but via text message.  

My friend was shocked.  She politely asked if she and her husband could sit down to have a discussion with them, to try and get on the same page and to just reconnect.  They responded with, "That will not be necessary.  I have a two week notice termination paper for you.  Our differences cannot be resolved.  Sorry it had to come down to this."

So... over text message, my friend's daycare provider ended a ten month relationship with the click of a send button on their cell phone.  There was no conversation and no explanation.  While I understand there may be more color to this story, I am completely appalled by the unprofessionalism.  But what makes me really sick to my stomach is the absolute lack of compassion.  

What surprised me the most is that the main provider is a mother herself.  There is a certain unspoken bond between mothers where we understand one another and always find common ground with different struggles and challenges in Motherhood.  I think it is shameful that she couldn't find it in her heart to sit down with my friend to calm her fears and make her feel comfortable.  Instead, she slammed the door in her face and told her to take her child elsewhere.  Like she was disposable and had no use for her child anymore.  It is unkind and just plain wrong.  My friend counted on these women to love her daughter like she was her own.  To heal her hurts and dry her tears when she couldn't be there to do so.  She assumed that they had become lifelong friends and would be a loving and nurturing part of her daughter's life.  They proved her wrong, loud and clear.

As a person, I've often been called passive.  I'm often uncomfortable with situations of conflict.  I don't like to stir the pot if it isn't necessary.  I never send back my steak if it isn't cooked right.  If my coffee isn't made correctly, I do what I can with it and move on. 

Since having children, that is the one part of me that has drastically transformed.  If there is something that doesn't sit right with me with one of my babies, I speak up.  Loudly.  As a parent, it is our right to ask questions, have concerns and worry.  We deal with enough guilt and doubt on a daily basis.  Am I doing this right?  Am I making the right choices?  Am I giving them enough?  We are responsible for raising these little people and they count on us to provide a safe and loving environment for them.  

As a Stay-At-Home-Mom, I get a front row seat to much of what happens in my kids lives. At times it is trying because there really is no one to ask for help or pass the blame or get support or encouragement from.  (Yes, honey, you are an amazing husband... I'm talking about self-doubt.)  

What bothers me most about this story, is that my friend had trusted these women to step in and raise her child while she was at work, providing for her family.  That kind of trust is sacred.  Especially between mothers.  

A quote that always stands out to me, “Making the decision to have a child - it is momentous. It is to decide forever to have your heart go walking around outside your body. ” ― Elizabeth Stone  

It is so very true.  And I know it is cliche to say, but you never understand that sentiment to it's fullest until you become a parent yourself.  I've come to learn that it truly does take a village to raise a child.  Your friends, family and even other mothers around you to help you remember that you are not alone.  That you are supported and that we are all learning how to make the best life decisions for our families.  Most of all, I've learned that when your intuition is trying to tell you something, you don't shy away from those feelings.  You act. 

Forever Friends

S.O.S.

I love my little life.  I do.  But truth be told, I am struggling with the fact that I can no longer find time for myself.  As matter of fact, I am writing this blog post with two little rugrats, who are up much earlier than usual, running around the living room.  I'm attempting to slurp down my coffee which has been reheated twice and is now chilly again.  I'm sitting here writing this post because I am constantly thinki
ng -a+..*3*39+96*  ....And that was Rosie.

Sigh.

Ahem!  I am sitting here writing this ramble of a post because I am tired of not finding an excuse to sit myself down and write.  I love to write and it makes me feel good and that I have actually accomplished something other than organizing, cooking, cleaning or wiping little bums.

As a matter of fact, it is somewhat ironic that I consider blog writing "me time" and most of that time is spent discussing the ins and outs of the little people that we are raising.

I sound grouchy.  I don't mean to come across that way, but I am attempting to put it out there that I am having a really difficult time with the every day.  I need to make myself accountable.  I want to make a plan and stick to it.  Maybe even *GASP* take a yoga class.  I do find time to sit myself on the couch and submerge myself in a good book on my Kindle, watch a good TV show, squeeze in a shower and maybe even floss a tooth or two.  My point is... I am still here, in this house.  If I am not in the house, I am somewhere with them.  Most likely navigating a full shopping cart with my toddler captain and Little T in the Baby Bjorn, in a sweat because we have not used the potty in a forty-five minutes and an accident is imminent.  

I am craving quality alone time.

I originally started this blog and entitled it "Mommy Mondays" with the expectation that I would sit myself down and write a little ditty on Monday mornings about whatever was going on in our house or whatever inspired me to write.  I need to get back there again.  For my own piece of mind and most of all for my own self preservation!  These little monsters are truly the best thing that I have ever done with my life.  My own masterpieces.  But truth be told, I want more for myself.  And I think that by wanting more for myself, I will be able to be better for them.

Calling all Mommies:  How do you do it?  How do you make time for yourself?  HELP!

Guilt: The Gift That Keeps On Giving

Sitting here, sipping on a coffee, listening to my daughter scream her ever-living head off because she is fighting her nap tooth and nail.  Even better, Tommy is sleeping soundly fifteen feet from her.  I am just trying to take deep breaths and not go into the room and tell her for the hundredth time that I am going to throw away her princess night light or some other godforsaken toy in her room.

I just walked in there and she is standing up in her crib telling me, "MOM!!!  YOU NEED TO COME IN HERE RIGHT NOW.  YOU ARE HURTING MY FEELINGS!  I AM NEVER, EVER TAKING A NAP!  NEVER!!"  So, I laid her down on her pillow... Okay I basically smooshed her into her pillow.  Told her if she doesn't go to sleep right away we are not going to the playground for the rest of the week.  She whimpered, looked at me with big sad eyes and lo and behold... she is finally sleeping.

I hate when I have to wrestle things like this out of her.  I get that it is totally normal, but going toe to toe with her is just no fun.  She is a little force to be reckoned with.  She is busy, imaginative, curious, stubborn, talkative, bold and outgoing.  She drives me absolutely crazy and my patience is tested on a daily basis.

But let me tell you... I have never loved another person the way that I love this little girl.  I am over the moon in love with this little firecracker.  She is my little shadow.  My little helper and my little Chicken.  I couldn't picture my life without her in it.  As a matter of fact, I don't remember what it was like without children.  I've never felt such powerful love and affection.  I have a smile on my face almost all of the time.  I belly laugh at least once a day.

Nevermind, this guy... It goes without saying how happy he makes me.  My heart explodes every time I see his little smiling face.

But here is my newest struggle.  In a nutshell... I'm bored.  The guilt of the way I feel is really killing me.  After a couple of glasses of wine last night, I finally confided in my husband and told him how I am feeling.   I'm starting to feel like I'm running in a hamster wheel.  It really is true that the grass is always greener on the other side.  The life that I am living now, I would never trade in a million years.  But there are times where I feel like I am not being stimulated enough.  I feel tired, exhausted and like I'm burning the candles at both ends.

I hate that I feel this way sometimes, because I know what a privilege it is to be able to be home every day.  I do work part time, but I don't miss much.  I don't get to put my children to bed every night, but their Father does.  The majority of my day is spent with them and I know them inside and out.

When our children are older, I will always be eternally grateful for the time that I have had with them.  I've been able to watch them grow, see every milestone with my own eyes and spend every waking moment with them.  I feel funny even talking about this because it makes me sound ungrateful for what I have as a Stay at Home Mom.  I just never thought I would miss the working world so much.  I never thought I would wish I still had a career or that I could carry on a conversation without bringing up my Son or Daughter every five minutes.

While it is true that I am working every day while raising these two beautiful children, it is a different kind of job.  It's not without effort, but it certainly isn't a chore.  There is a lot of down time.  There are moments where I don't feel like doing anything, I don't feel like going anywhere or going to the park or socializing.  And those moments plague me with such guilt.  If I am not making the most of our day together, I feel like a failure.  I beat myself up and wonder... what have I taught them today?  

First Time on the Swing

If I don't go to the playground, the zoo, aquarium, the park the library... something.  I feel such guilt.  I have all of this free time and I can't find the energy or motivation to get them somewhere every day?  It really bothers me.

Feeding the ducks at The Queens Zoo

I am a slave to their schedule.  Tommy is at the age where he naps mornings from 9 to about 1130, which makes it difficult to get out of the house without completely disrupting him.  Once he wakes, it is so close to lunchtime, that it is a mad dash to make it out of the house to get them to a park, playground, pool or play date.  Then back home for lunch and naps from 1 to 4.  

Cousins' Day at the Pool

Day at The Bronx Zoo

Every day ends with me asking my Husband when he can join me and begging him to make it as early as possible.  Usually, that includes a plea for a bottle of wine.  I don't know if I drink wine because I truly love it or because it makes my evenings slightly more entertaining.  I am constantly worrying that I am not exciting enough for my husband.  I wear the same outfits on a daily basis, usually involving yoga pants and cotton t-shirts.  I look forward to bedtime every night, and actually count the hours until bedtime after they wake up from their naps.  Not because I don't love every moment with them... but because there isn't enough caffeine to keep me going full throttle.

It's a learning process.  I am still trying to figure out what Motherhood means for me and discovering what is best for them.  I'm still changing, still searching and still growing right along with the two of them.  I couldn't be more thankful for the lessons they are teaching me and the ones we will learn together.  Someone once said to me, "Staying home isn't as easy as it seems.  There are good days and there are tough days."  Truer words could not be spoken.  The two of them are the best accomplishments I have.  They are the best things that I created in my life.  But there are times when I want more for myself.  I expect more from myself.  And someday, I'd like to figure out what that may be.