S.O.S.

I love my little life.  I do.  But truth be told, I am struggling with the fact that I can no longer find time for myself.  As matter of fact, I am writing this blog post with two little rugrats, who are up much earlier than usual, running around the living room.  I'm attempting to slurp down my coffee which has been reheated twice and is now chilly again.  I'm sitting here writing this post because I am constantly thinki
ng -a+..*3*39+96*  ....And that was Rosie.

Sigh.

Ahem!  I am sitting here writing this ramble of a post because I am tired of not finding an excuse to sit myself down and write.  I love to write and it makes me feel good and that I have actually accomplished something other than organizing, cooking, cleaning or wiping little bums.

As a matter of fact, it is somewhat ironic that I consider blog writing "me time" and most of that time is spent discussing the ins and outs of the little people that we are raising.

I sound grouchy.  I don't mean to come across that way, but I am attempting to put it out there that I am having a really difficult time with the every day.  I need to make myself accountable.  I want to make a plan and stick to it.  Maybe even *GASP* take a yoga class.  I do find time to sit myself on the couch and submerge myself in a good book on my Kindle, watch a good TV show, squeeze in a shower and maybe even floss a tooth or two.  My point is... I am still here, in this house.  If I am not in the house, I am somewhere with them.  Most likely navigating a full shopping cart with my toddler captain and Little T in the Baby Bjorn, in a sweat because we have not used the potty in a forty-five minutes and an accident is imminent.  

I am craving quality alone time.

I originally started this blog and entitled it "Mommy Mondays" with the expectation that I would sit myself down and write a little ditty on Monday mornings about whatever was going on in our house or whatever inspired me to write.  I need to get back there again.  For my own piece of mind and most of all for my own self preservation!  These little monsters are truly the best thing that I have ever done with my life.  My own masterpieces.  But truth be told, I want more for myself.  And I think that by wanting more for myself, I will be able to be better for them.

Calling all Mommies:  How do you do it?  How do you make time for yourself?  HELP!

Guilt: The Gift That Keeps On Giving

Sitting here, sipping on a coffee, listening to my daughter scream her ever-living head off because she is fighting her nap tooth and nail.  Even better, Tommy is sleeping soundly fifteen feet from her.  I am just trying to take deep breaths and not go into the room and tell her for the hundredth time that I am going to throw away her princess night light or some other godforsaken toy in her room.

I just walked in there and she is standing up in her crib telling me, "MOM!!!  YOU NEED TO COME IN HERE RIGHT NOW.  YOU ARE HURTING MY FEELINGS!  I AM NEVER, EVER TAKING A NAP!  NEVER!!"  So, I laid her down on her pillow... Okay I basically smooshed her into her pillow.  Told her if she doesn't go to sleep right away we are not going to the playground for the rest of the week.  She whimpered, looked at me with big sad eyes and lo and behold... she is finally sleeping.

I hate when I have to wrestle things like this out of her.  I get that it is totally normal, but going toe to toe with her is just no fun.  She is a little force to be reckoned with.  She is busy, imaginative, curious, stubborn, talkative, bold and outgoing.  She drives me absolutely crazy and my patience is tested on a daily basis.

But let me tell you... I have never loved another person the way that I love this little girl.  I am over the moon in love with this little firecracker.  She is my little shadow.  My little helper and my little Chicken.  I couldn't picture my life without her in it.  As a matter of fact, I don't remember what it was like without children.  I've never felt such powerful love and affection.  I have a smile on my face almost all of the time.  I belly laugh at least once a day.

Nevermind, this guy... It goes without saying how happy he makes me.  My heart explodes every time I see his little smiling face.

But here is my newest struggle.  In a nutshell... I'm bored.  The guilt of the way I feel is really killing me.  After a couple of glasses of wine last night, I finally confided in my husband and told him how I am feeling.   I'm starting to feel like I'm running in a hamster wheel.  It really is true that the grass is always greener on the other side.  The life that I am living now, I would never trade in a million years.  But there are times where I feel like I am not being stimulated enough.  I feel tired, exhausted and like I'm burning the candles at both ends.

I hate that I feel this way sometimes, because I know what a privilege it is to be able to be home every day.  I do work part time, but I don't miss much.  I don't get to put my children to bed every night, but their Father does.  The majority of my day is spent with them and I know them inside and out.

When our children are older, I will always be eternally grateful for the time that I have had with them.  I've been able to watch them grow, see every milestone with my own eyes and spend every waking moment with them.  I feel funny even talking about this because it makes me sound ungrateful for what I have as a Stay at Home Mom.  I just never thought I would miss the working world so much.  I never thought I would wish I still had a career or that I could carry on a conversation without bringing up my Son or Daughter every five minutes.

While it is true that I am working every day while raising these two beautiful children, it is a different kind of job.  It's not without effort, but it certainly isn't a chore.  There is a lot of down time.  There are moments where I don't feel like doing anything, I don't feel like going anywhere or going to the park or socializing.  And those moments plague me with such guilt.  If I am not making the most of our day together, I feel like a failure.  I beat myself up and wonder... what have I taught them today?  

First Time on the Swing

If I don't go to the playground, the zoo, aquarium, the park the library... something.  I feel such guilt.  I have all of this free time and I can't find the energy or motivation to get them somewhere every day?  It really bothers me.

Feeding the ducks at The Queens Zoo

I am a slave to their schedule.  Tommy is at the age where he naps mornings from 9 to about 1130, which makes it difficult to get out of the house without completely disrupting him.  Once he wakes, it is so close to lunchtime, that it is a mad dash to make it out of the house to get them to a park, playground, pool or play date.  Then back home for lunch and naps from 1 to 4.  

Cousins' Day at the Pool

Day at The Bronx Zoo

Every day ends with me asking my Husband when he can join me and begging him to make it as early as possible.  Usually, that includes a plea for a bottle of wine.  I don't know if I drink wine because I truly love it or because it makes my evenings slightly more entertaining.  I am constantly worrying that I am not exciting enough for my husband.  I wear the same outfits on a daily basis, usually involving yoga pants and cotton t-shirts.  I look forward to bedtime every night, and actually count the hours until bedtime after they wake up from their naps.  Not because I don't love every moment with them... but because there isn't enough caffeine to keep me going full throttle.

It's a learning process.  I am still trying to figure out what Motherhood means for me and discovering what is best for them.  I'm still changing, still searching and still growing right along with the two of them.  I couldn't be more thankful for the lessons they are teaching me and the ones we will learn together.  Someone once said to me, "Staying home isn't as easy as it seems.  There are good days and there are tough days."  Truer words could not be spoken.  The two of them are the best accomplishments I have.  They are the best things that I created in my life.  But there are times when I want more for myself.  I expect more from myself.  And someday, I'd like to figure out what that may be.

Sleep Secrets: How I Created Two Phenomenal Sleepy Heads

A friend of mine is due to have her first baby in a few weeks.  I bumped into her at Buy Buy Baby the other day frantically buying last minute things to prepare for her new arrival.  She asked me if there was anything I could think of that she needs, something that I couldn't live without?  I immediately asked her if she had a "Sleep Sheep" and she looked at me like I had ten heads.  

When buying a gift for a new Mom, I almost always go for these items.  I don't think that there is anything better that you could wrap up and tie with a bow for new, exhausted and inexperienced parents than tools to get a good night sleep.  It may not work for everyone, but it worked for both of my babies.  I would say that two out of two aren't bad odds.  I'm also a believer in the old adage, "If it ain't broke, don't fix it."  So, I repeated what worked for me with Rosie and once again, I have another baby that likes to sleep.

I've been fortunate enough to have two babies respond to these methods well.  Since they were born, Rosie and Tommy both sleep ten to twelve hours a night.  Rosie is two and a half and she is still taking a three to four hour afternoon nap.  Tommy naps two to three times a day.  When he wakes, he goes back down for a rest two hours after that.  It's like clockwork for him and his sister was the same way.

I'm sure that some parents who read this are going to shake their heads at me, may mouth death threats at their computer screens and tell me that I am effing crazy.  I know that no baby is the same, but I do strongly believe that some of these techniques helped my babies learn how to put themselves to sleep and to stay asleep longer.  (I didn't say this would make them enjoy going to sleep however... Fast forward to a two and half year old toddler and let's just say it's a friggin process to convince her to close her eyes every night.)

Here's what worked for me:

Happiest Baby on the Block DVD

This is a really fantastic video with easy techniques to help you soothe and comfort your baby.  It also teaches them to soothe themselves.  Must watch & must do!

Gentle Sounds Giraffe

Any animal soother with sound machine by Cloud B will do the trick.  Rosie loves her "Raff" and Tommy loves his Sleep Sheep.  The white noise and heartbeat will keep them comfortable and calm.

The Miracle Blanket

A good friend gave this to me as a gift for Tommy when he was first born.  She raised three kids and swore up and down by it.  I have not used another swaddle or blanket since.  It keeps him asleep for longer periods of time, since the swaddle keeps their arms down and prevents them from waking themselves in the middle of their slumber.  It truly is a miracle!  I don't know what I would do without it. 

A Pacifier

Lastly, a good pacifier.  I used Born Free bottles so ended up going with their brand.  Rosie is a thumb sucker but I have found that Tommy really depends on his Binkie just to get him to calm and fall asleep.  Once he is asleep, he spits it out.  (It's kind of entertaining because occasionally, you can hear him spit it out and hit the crib mattress.)  During the night, if he wakes or starts to fuss, I simply put the Bink back in and turn on his sound machine.  It has worked faithfully.  

Tommy During His Afternoon Nap Today (5 months old)

Twilight Turtle

This last one isn't a necessity, but our chicks seem to really love these.  It is a nightlight that makes star constellations on their ceiling.  (Actually has real constellations for when they are older... they can learn to recognize them.)  Rosie has the ladybug and Tommy has the turtle.  Whenever T fusses, I just turn this on and it totally distracts him and leaves him mesmerized.  I've noticed now that Rosie is older, it also helps with fear of the dark etc.  Makes bedtime less of a negotiation when we talk about going to look at the stars!

So, in closing, I wish Happy Sleeping to all of you new parents out there!  I hope a couple of these tips work for you.  They help to keep our household somewhat sane, and I hope it will do the same for yours.  Remember, a rested Mama is a happy Mama.

What It Is All About

Lucky

Lately, I've been feeling awfully nostalgic.  I'm not sure why but lately I have been spending a lot of time thinking about old friends and past experiences.  I've worn a lot of different hats the past thirty-one years.  A lot of people, good and bad, have come in and out of my life.  

Since becoming a parent, I have started to examine some of the memories of people and situations that linger in my mind.  Mostly, things that I am ashamed of doing and people that I would never let into my life if given another chance.  There are things I'm notproud of.  There are hurts I've caused that I'd like to heal.  Hindsight is always 20/20.  I know that many mistakes we make shape who we are, but a lot of the things I went through were really unpleasant.  I'd like to know how to shield my daughter and son from that.  I realize I can't protect them from everything.  But I want to make them better than I am.  Most especially when it comes to using their common sense. 

Bottom line, if it doesn't feel right, it probably isn't.  Listen to your intuition always.  How many times would I like to press rewind and repeat that sentiment to myself?  So many.  

The best mistake I ever made was ending up back in my hometown when I should have been finishing my Bachelor's degree at CU Boulder.  If I hadn't made the poor decision to move across the country for a relationship that was troubled from the start, I would never have retreated back home to the east coast with my tail between my legs.  

Dealing with the disappointment, failure and heartbreak led me to the most incredible man.  He helped me clean up all of the messes that I had made.  He listened to me talk and talk about my mundane problems over tall beers until the wee morning hours.  He was the truest of friends and gave me the best advice in the world.  The things that seemed so catastrophic and felt so heavy on my shoulders became small issues that didn't matter much at all.  I liked the way the world looked through his eyes.  He cured everything with laughter, loud music and fun.  

This friend turned into my confidant, my best friend, my lover, my partner.  Soon enough he became my Husband and the Father of my two beautiful children.  He stuck by me through so many ups and downs.  He's loved me, helped me grow, learn and be a better person.  The lessons come and go constantly.  But the one constant is him.  He never fails to push me, encourage me and help me to be the best I can.  

There are times that I feel really vulnerable.  I depend on him so much to make me stronger.  He is the one that breaks the ice for me, answers the phone when I'm feeling bashful or steadies me when I stumble.  When I was younger, I was so much more courageous.  I took risks and nothing frightened me.  Often I wonder if I could make it without him.  

I almost always find myself lost in the shuffle of our day to day life.  I am so caught up in the business of having two little people to raise that I often forget to take care of myself.  I end up neglecting my husband, too.  This bothers me a great deal.  Trying to find that balance of keeping your kids happy, your husband satisfied and yourself mentally healthy is a total struggle for me.  Being a perfectionist, I like my house clean, kids bathed, dinner made, the floors clean, the laundry done.  From the time my feet hit the floor, I am moving.  I make the bed as soon as I get out of it.  

Needless to say, when I finally sit on the couch with my husband to share a bottle of wine and watch a movie, I'm toast.  I am no company at all, if any.  I can barely keep my eyes open most of the time.  Relaxing is a rare treat for me.  Writing this blog post is relaxing, however, I can feel that my eyes really do just want to close right now.  I sit still and I fall asleep.  It's just terrible.

Last night, B and I had a really good night.  We went to see Phil & Friends at The Capitol Theatre.  We started off at Bar Taco.  Upon my suggestion, we had two shots of tequilla and two beers.  It really got me feeling good and totally loosened up.  By the time we got to Garcia's, we were smiley faced and care free.  We spent the night dancing away to music and drinking good beer.  Just like the good old days.  I truly just lived in the moment for once.  I found myself swaying to the music, singing, dancing with my head back on B's chest just loving life.  I was free.

At one point B and I ended up in a corner, people watching and talking.  We were kissing and laughing.  It kind of felt like we were falling in love all over again.  He kept saying things to me that made my heart melt.  Talking about the future, about how we will travel the world when our kids are grown.  He makes me feel like the only woman in the room.  He is always pushing me to follow my dreams, to do more, to never give up.  He is so kind to me and so compassionate.  It really amazes me when I realize that he does listen to everything I say, no matter how silly.  

I'm the luckiest girl to have found a man to take care of me, to keep me safe from harm.  He saved me nine years ago in a seedy bar in our hometown.  He promised me that we would live an amazing life together if I just took his hand and went. I realize now, we saved one another... and man, was he right.

Summertime!

Two sleeping babies, a little thunder and rain, clean house, laundry done, I'm bathed and caffeinated.  For the first time in a long time, I feel like writing... so here I am!

It's been a busy few months getting settled as a family of four.  It's hard to believe that today marks five months since little T came into our lives.  He still feels brand new and I am still getting to know him every day.  The more I learn, the more I love.  It feels like he has always been a part of this family.  When I hear him wake in the morning, I run to him.  I salvage all of the time alone that I can possibly find with him.  He is such a happy little person and smiles the moment you look at him.  He's starting to talk, coo and make raspberries.  He's also at the age where he will grab my hair and pull my face into his drooly, little grin and slobber all over my chin.  I'm loving every moment but there are times I realize how quickly the time is going.  It seemed to go so much more slowly the first time around.

Five months old!

Sometimes I feel slightly guilty that he doesn't get the same quality time that Rosie had with me.  I would sit and cuddle with her for hours on end, reading, listening, watching every move she made.  I try my best to make extra alone time with him, so he feels some of that special love too.  But I think he gets it.  He knows that he has to share, and I think it is just fine with him.  He is very easy going and comfortable.  Let's just say it like it is.  I am absolutely crazy about him!

Rosie is the best with him and she loves to be around him.  His little eyes follow her wherever she goes.  I catch her patting his head and talking to him... Sometimes REALLY patting his head until it makes a sound.  She also loves to climb up and in his crib.  I recently walked into his room to get him since I could here him babbling away in the monitor after his nap.  There she was, laying right next to him, giving him a big squeeze. 

Just yesterday, T was hanging in his exersaucer happy as could be.  I turned the corner and heard him gag and cough a couple of times.  I run into the living room and find him puking the entire bottle I just fed him.  "What the heck just happened?!"  I yell to myself.  Behind me, I hear, "Oh, he just wanted to try some cheerios."  And there is Rose armed with a teaspoon from tea set, filled with Cheerios which I assume she shoved directly into the back of his mouth.

It's moments like these that make me cry with laughter about the insanity of it all.  I'm tested on a daily basis.  And while it is true that it is the toughest job that I've ever had, it is by far the best and most incredibly rewarding.  The smile on my face never goes away.  I'm still learning and growing along with these two little people.  It surprises me how much I change, how much I evolve with each passing year. While I don't think that everyone is cut out to be a parent, I do feel it is pretty incredible the kind of person that you transform into the moment that brand new baby is put into your arms.  I'm proud of us as parents.  And I love our little family.

 I'm really glad that all of my anxieties about bringing another baby into our family have completely dissipated.  I was so worried about Rose and how this would change her as a little girl.  I didn't want her to  feel slighted or neglected.  All in all, she has adjusted incredibly well.  There are moments when I feel she does know that she has to share me and Daddy, and she isn't thrilled about it.  We have gone over and above to give her some of her own time with each of us.  It makes all of the difference in the world.

Sometimes it is a simple as the three of us jumping in our big bed to get under the covers on a quiet Saturday morning.  Telling stories, singing songs, hiding from monsters and giggling.  Even just telling her how smart, beautiful and special she is.  The other day she squished my cheeks between her little hands and said, "Oh Mommy.  You are so boooo-tiful."  

What I love most about Rosie, is that she is not afraid of anything.  She is so confidant!  Swimming, dancing in front of a crowd of people or even telling me how she feels about something.  I love that I can talk to her and attempt to reason with her little two-year old mind about things.  It helps to make things more exciting and more important to her.  She is super smart, talkative and attentive.  It is a really remarkable thing to see.  But it also makes for some serious foot stomping and temper tantrums.

We tackled potty training over the last few weeks.  I don't know what it is, but I was so incredibly intimidated to try it.  I dreaded it, probably because I have absolutely no experience with it.  But just like everything else in Motherhood, you just need to jump in with both feet and do it.  It's been going pretty well and Rosie took to it pretty quickly.  It could be the Tinkerbell, Doc McStuffins and Minnie panties.  

There are times where she just does not want to do it.  We went through a 48 hour period where she declared, "No, I'm not doing that today.  Just give me a diaper."  And then proceeded to pee all over our household.  Can you spell L-Y-S-O-L?  I have a feeling it is going to be a work in progress for quite sometime.  I haven't changed a poopie diaper from her in over a month.  There is something pretty great about that.  Though... that doesn't mean I haven't had to clean it up once or twice.  One afternoon she came to me and said, "Oh no!  There is something on the floor in there.  You better hurry and clean that up!"  Hysterical and horrifying all in one.

Our best week so far was the one spent up at our rented beach house in Biddeford, ME.  A full seven days of Mommy and Daddy and no work.  Just beach, playtime, swimming, sandcastles, long walks on the beach, ice creams multiple times a day.  It was just heaven!  Rosie is a little fishy and a beach bum.  I wouldn't have it any other way.

"I'm Swimming!"

T Man is getting used to the beach.  It was a new experience for him but something tells me he will be right there running after his sister next year.  

He loved sticking his little piggy toes in the sand and napping on the beach while listening to the waves.

So far, summer with two little ones has been pretty awesome.  Our family is busy and constantly on the move.  There isn't a day that goes by that we aren't doing something entertaining... hitting a park, a beach, a pool, the city.  I'm up to my ears in baby wipes, over flowing diaper bags, cheerios and goldfish crumbs, drool, spit up and diapers.  There is play-doh forever ingrained into my kitchen table.  Stray crayons on the living room floor, picture books, tutus and puzzle pieces everywhere.  Daily life is just craziness and I'm totally exhausted half of the time.

I've never been so happy.

I Don't Know How She Does It

Well, it's certainly been a while since I have had a chance to write.  It is a small miracle that I am even able to sit and type this.  I am going to write as fast as I can because these moments of alone time are few and far between.

My last post was all sunshine and rainbows.  While I can say that this house is still full of happiness and laughter, it is certainly a day to day struggle trying to get my ever living sh*t together.  Two babies under three is a challenge.  And that is putting it mildly.  This is coming from a girl that has always wanted four children.  At this point, my husband told me that he will bring home a puppy if I ever ask for another baby.

Let me preface the following rant by saying that Tommy is the sweetest, cutest baby I could ever hope to have.  

The Sweet & Cute Baby T

He's definitely easy going, mild tempered and completely adorable.  However, he doesn't sleep through the night yet.  His sister gave him big shoes to fill.  She slept through the night almost instantly.  I realize he is only eight weeks old and I may have slightly high expectations for him.  But I'm tired.  I'm run down, dealing with the most horrendous head cold right now.

My Three Loves

B is the most supportive Daddy in the world.  But truth be told, he is no help to me during the week.  He can't get up for that feeding in the middle of the night because he has to be up for work by six in the morning.  So, it leaves me to be up every night.  I never get the chance to catch up during the day.  I imagine I won't sleep soundly until they are married with children of their own.  Well, actually, knowing me I probably won't sleep restfully then either.  I worry too much for that.

I love when people tell me that I should be sleeping when he sleeps.  Or when Rose goes down for a nap, I should lay down too.  Let me ask these people:  Who in the hell does your cooking, cleaning or organizing?  Never mind bathing!  I thank my lucky stars for the blow dry bar up the street.  Once a week I get my hair done.  This gives me the liberty to have fabulous hair even if I cannot count on one hand how many times I have showered in a given week.

Sleeping When He Sleeps.

There are other stay-at-home moms that I associate with that are able to juggle so many things.  I truly don't know how they do it.  Four kids, re-decorating their house, keeping themselves active and finding time to exercise all while looking put together.  On a daily basis, I am lucky if I find the time to floss my teeth or shave my legs.  Thank God I have a husband who likes to have a few cocktails.  If he really had time to inspect me without alcohol infused goggles on, he would probably dry heave at the state of me and the never-ending stench of spit up and poop.  Oh, and let's not forget the stretch marks.  I gained almost fifty pounds with T.  I am down 30 and am pretty much at a standstill.  I don't feel good in my clothes and am still wearing maternity jeans because I am petrified to stand in front of florescent lighting in a dressing room and read a tag that says my new size is a double digit.

Early on, I realized that I was not going to be able to breastfeed Tommy.  This is another thing that I am beating myself up for incessantly.  When he first came home, I gave it my best shot.  I nursed him morning, noon and night.  I always used to pass judgement and say if you don't breastfeed, it is not because you can't, it is because you don't want to.  Well, lesson learned!  I can say that is one hundred percent NOT true.  Never in my life did I try so hard and feel like such a failure.  I took supplements, drank that horrendous tea, drank half my body weight in ounces of water every day.  I pumped every two to three hours only to make 2 ounces of milk and continued to make him suckle on me like a pacifier whenever he was in my arms.  It just didn't happen for us.  Every time he would nurse, he would bleed me dry and then cry and scream for more to eat.  He would cry, I would cry and it was just one big disaster.

He's lucky he's so darn cute!

So one day, I popped a bottle of formula in his mouth.  And you know what happened?  He slept for seven hours straight over night.  Enough said.  So, slowly it became apparent that Tommy was going to be a formula baby.  At first I grieved really hard because of it.  Only if you have breastfed before, would you understand the feelings that I am talking about.  There is nothing like nursing your child.  The bond is very powerful and such a feeling of utter peace comes over your whole body when you are in the midst of doing it.

I am doing better with it now.  I have learned that I need to be kind to myself.  The time that it would have taken me to nurse him and pump for hours on end, I am now able to get on the floor and color with Rose.  We sit on the couch and read books, go to the park, library or music class.  I feel like what I had to sacrifice for Tommy, I was able to give back to Rose.  It gives her the extra time and attention she needs  to feel secure while adjusting to her new baby brother.  For me, that just makes everything all right.  

Rosie Posie at the Playground

I do find myself fibbing about it at times, however.  Every so often someone will ask me if I am nursing and I will say, "A bit."  Why?!?  I don't know.  I need to just own that I don't breastfeed and not feel like such a leper about it.  It amazes me that there isn't support for women who decide NOT to breastfeed.  Every where I look, I see references to it and how important it is.  I was watching "Milo & Otis" with Rose the other day and actually felt envy toward the mama cat feeding her kittens.  Pathetic.

On top of the guilt of that, I've been craving time out in the real world.  Sure, there is wine at the end of the day with the husband.  But that is usually on the couch with a good episode of Homeland.  That really isn't fun after the tenth or eleventh time.  Just being honest.  And when you are drinking at home with two little ones, it isn't like you can really go wild and let yourself go.  It's two glasses of wine and head to bed because a little man is going to be hollering at me for his bottle in a few hours.

On a walk with my two babies.

I finally got myself out and into the city the other night with my sister in law.  We went and had dinner at the Yaffa Cafe and then saw one of my oldest and dearest friends, Michelle Lewis, play a show.  It was so amazingly gratifying to have some time to myself.  At first when leaving the house, I felt incredibly guilty.  Not the kind of guilt I felt when leaving Rose as a newborn.  That was more like being petrified to leave her with anyone.  This time it was more of a feeling of who do I think I am to leave my husband with two babies and have a night out?  After the second glass of red wine these feelings dissipated almost instantly.

Being in the city, riding on the train on my own, it gave me a moment to remember who I am without two little people hanging on me.  I hate to say that, but it is true.  I live and breathe for my children and I am grateful to be home raising them every day.  But I truly believe that every mom needs and deserves time away.  These two are the loves of my life but they are not my identity.  I have to remember that sometimes and not feel guilty when something that interests me pulls me away from them for a small amount of the day.

When I was sitting there listening to Michelle play, so many feelings came rushing back to me.  Days before the babies came along, when we would sit in pubs all afternoon drinking, talking and daydreaming.  I realized I was lacking creativity in my life.  I think I need an outlet.  Something to keep my mind occupied.  Like painting lessons or piano lessons or something.  I really miss reading.  I can't seem to find the time to pick up a book anymore.  Usually, when I have time to myself, it is used to do things around the house, catch up on bad TV or heat up my coffee for the third time in a row.  Even now as I am sitting here, Brian is asking me what I am doing.  Because really, is there enough time in the day for me to be playing on the laptop?

Truth be told, I'm struggling.  Every day is different.  I sometimes feel like I am just faking it until I make it.  I know that as the time goes on it will get easier as they get older.  I don't want to rush this time away because I know I am going to miss this and want this back.  But for now I am just glad that I have this little blog to vent on and get my feelings out there.  If I don't, I will just burst.