What It Is All About

Lucky

Lately, I've been feeling awfully nostalgic.  I'm not sure why but lately I have been spending a lot of time thinking about old friends and past experiences.  I've worn a lot of different hats the past thirty-one years.  A lot of people, good and bad, have come in and out of my life.  

Since becoming a parent, I have started to examine some of the memories of people and situations that linger in my mind.  Mostly, things that I am ashamed of doing and people that I would never let into my life if given another chance.  There are things I'm notproud of.  There are hurts I've caused that I'd like to heal.  Hindsight is always 20/20.  I know that many mistakes we make shape who we are, but a lot of the things I went through were really unpleasant.  I'd like to know how to shield my daughter and son from that.  I realize I can't protect them from everything.  But I want to make them better than I am.  Most especially when it comes to using their common sense. 

Bottom line, if it doesn't feel right, it probably isn't.  Listen to your intuition always.  How many times would I like to press rewind and repeat that sentiment to myself?  So many.  

The best mistake I ever made was ending up back in my hometown when I should have been finishing my Bachelor's degree at CU Boulder.  If I hadn't made the poor decision to move across the country for a relationship that was troubled from the start, I would never have retreated back home to the east coast with my tail between my legs.  

Dealing with the disappointment, failure and heartbreak led me to the most incredible man.  He helped me clean up all of the messes that I had made.  He listened to me talk and talk about my mundane problems over tall beers until the wee morning hours.  He was the truest of friends and gave me the best advice in the world.  The things that seemed so catastrophic and felt so heavy on my shoulders became small issues that didn't matter much at all.  I liked the way the world looked through his eyes.  He cured everything with laughter, loud music and fun.  

This friend turned into my confidant, my best friend, my lover, my partner.  Soon enough he became my Husband and the Father of my two beautiful children.  He stuck by me through so many ups and downs.  He's loved me, helped me grow, learn and be a better person.  The lessons come and go constantly.  But the one constant is him.  He never fails to push me, encourage me and help me to be the best I can.  

There are times that I feel really vulnerable.  I depend on him so much to make me stronger.  He is the one that breaks the ice for me, answers the phone when I'm feeling bashful or steadies me when I stumble.  When I was younger, I was so much more courageous.  I took risks and nothing frightened me.  Often I wonder if I could make it without him.  

I almost always find myself lost in the shuffle of our day to day life.  I am so caught up in the business of having two little people to raise that I often forget to take care of myself.  I end up neglecting my husband, too.  This bothers me a great deal.  Trying to find that balance of keeping your kids happy, your husband satisfied and yourself mentally healthy is a total struggle for me.  Being a perfectionist, I like my house clean, kids bathed, dinner made, the floors clean, the laundry done.  From the time my feet hit the floor, I am moving.  I make the bed as soon as I get out of it.  

Needless to say, when I finally sit on the couch with my husband to share a bottle of wine and watch a movie, I'm toast.  I am no company at all, if any.  I can barely keep my eyes open most of the time.  Relaxing is a rare treat for me.  Writing this blog post is relaxing, however, I can feel that my eyes really do just want to close right now.  I sit still and I fall asleep.  It's just terrible.

Last night, B and I had a really good night.  We went to see Phil & Friends at The Capitol Theatre.  We started off at Bar Taco.  Upon my suggestion, we had two shots of tequilla and two beers.  It really got me feeling good and totally loosened up.  By the time we got to Garcia's, we were smiley faced and care free.  We spent the night dancing away to music and drinking good beer.  Just like the good old days.  I truly just lived in the moment for once.  I found myself swaying to the music, singing, dancing with my head back on B's chest just loving life.  I was free.

At one point B and I ended up in a corner, people watching and talking.  We were kissing and laughing.  It kind of felt like we were falling in love all over again.  He kept saying things to me that made my heart melt.  Talking about the future, about how we will travel the world when our kids are grown.  He makes me feel like the only woman in the room.  He is always pushing me to follow my dreams, to do more, to never give up.  He is so kind to me and so compassionate.  It really amazes me when I realize that he does listen to everything I say, no matter how silly.  

I'm the luckiest girl to have found a man to take care of me, to keep me safe from harm.  He saved me nine years ago in a seedy bar in our hometown.  He promised me that we would live an amazing life together if I just took his hand and went. I realize now, we saved one another... and man, was he right.

Summertime!

Two sleeping babies, a little thunder and rain, clean house, laundry done, I'm bathed and caffeinated.  For the first time in a long time, I feel like writing... so here I am!

It's been a busy few months getting settled as a family of four.  It's hard to believe that today marks five months since little T came into our lives.  He still feels brand new and I am still getting to know him every day.  The more I learn, the more I love.  It feels like he has always been a part of this family.  When I hear him wake in the morning, I run to him.  I salvage all of the time alone that I can possibly find with him.  He is such a happy little person and smiles the moment you look at him.  He's starting to talk, coo and make raspberries.  He's also at the age where he will grab my hair and pull my face into his drooly, little grin and slobber all over my chin.  I'm loving every moment but there are times I realize how quickly the time is going.  It seemed to go so much more slowly the first time around.

Five months old!

Sometimes I feel slightly guilty that he doesn't get the same quality time that Rosie had with me.  I would sit and cuddle with her for hours on end, reading, listening, watching every move she made.  I try my best to make extra alone time with him, so he feels some of that special love too.  But I think he gets it.  He knows that he has to share, and I think it is just fine with him.  He is very easy going and comfortable.  Let's just say it like it is.  I am absolutely crazy about him!

Rosie is the best with him and she loves to be around him.  His little eyes follow her wherever she goes.  I catch her patting his head and talking to him... Sometimes REALLY patting his head until it makes a sound.  She also loves to climb up and in his crib.  I recently walked into his room to get him since I could here him babbling away in the monitor after his nap.  There she was, laying right next to him, giving him a big squeeze. 

Just yesterday, T was hanging in his exersaucer happy as could be.  I turned the corner and heard him gag and cough a couple of times.  I run into the living room and find him puking the entire bottle I just fed him.  "What the heck just happened?!"  I yell to myself.  Behind me, I hear, "Oh, he just wanted to try some cheerios."  And there is Rose armed with a teaspoon from tea set, filled with Cheerios which I assume she shoved directly into the back of his mouth.

It's moments like these that make me cry with laughter about the insanity of it all.  I'm tested on a daily basis.  And while it is true that it is the toughest job that I've ever had, it is by far the best and most incredibly rewarding.  The smile on my face never goes away.  I'm still learning and growing along with these two little people.  It surprises me how much I change, how much I evolve with each passing year. While I don't think that everyone is cut out to be a parent, I do feel it is pretty incredible the kind of person that you transform into the moment that brand new baby is put into your arms.  I'm proud of us as parents.  And I love our little family.

 I'm really glad that all of my anxieties about bringing another baby into our family have completely dissipated.  I was so worried about Rose and how this would change her as a little girl.  I didn't want her to  feel slighted or neglected.  All in all, she has adjusted incredibly well.  There are moments when I feel she does know that she has to share me and Daddy, and she isn't thrilled about it.  We have gone over and above to give her some of her own time with each of us.  It makes all of the difference in the world.

Sometimes it is a simple as the three of us jumping in our big bed to get under the covers on a quiet Saturday morning.  Telling stories, singing songs, hiding from monsters and giggling.  Even just telling her how smart, beautiful and special she is.  The other day she squished my cheeks between her little hands and said, "Oh Mommy.  You are so boooo-tiful."  

What I love most about Rosie, is that she is not afraid of anything.  She is so confidant!  Swimming, dancing in front of a crowd of people or even telling me how she feels about something.  I love that I can talk to her and attempt to reason with her little two-year old mind about things.  It helps to make things more exciting and more important to her.  She is super smart, talkative and attentive.  It is a really remarkable thing to see.  But it also makes for some serious foot stomping and temper tantrums.

We tackled potty training over the last few weeks.  I don't know what it is, but I was so incredibly intimidated to try it.  I dreaded it, probably because I have absolutely no experience with it.  But just like everything else in Motherhood, you just need to jump in with both feet and do it.  It's been going pretty well and Rosie took to it pretty quickly.  It could be the Tinkerbell, Doc McStuffins and Minnie panties.  

There are times where she just does not want to do it.  We went through a 48 hour period where she declared, "No, I'm not doing that today.  Just give me a diaper."  And then proceeded to pee all over our household.  Can you spell L-Y-S-O-L?  I have a feeling it is going to be a work in progress for quite sometime.  I haven't changed a poopie diaper from her in over a month.  There is something pretty great about that.  Though... that doesn't mean I haven't had to clean it up once or twice.  One afternoon she came to me and said, "Oh no!  There is something on the floor in there.  You better hurry and clean that up!"  Hysterical and horrifying all in one.

Our best week so far was the one spent up at our rented beach house in Biddeford, ME.  A full seven days of Mommy and Daddy and no work.  Just beach, playtime, swimming, sandcastles, long walks on the beach, ice creams multiple times a day.  It was just heaven!  Rosie is a little fishy and a beach bum.  I wouldn't have it any other way.

"I'm Swimming!"

T Man is getting used to the beach.  It was a new experience for him but something tells me he will be right there running after his sister next year.  

He loved sticking his little piggy toes in the sand and napping on the beach while listening to the waves.

So far, summer with two little ones has been pretty awesome.  Our family is busy and constantly on the move.  There isn't a day that goes by that we aren't doing something entertaining... hitting a park, a beach, a pool, the city.  I'm up to my ears in baby wipes, over flowing diaper bags, cheerios and goldfish crumbs, drool, spit up and diapers.  There is play-doh forever ingrained into my kitchen table.  Stray crayons on the living room floor, picture books, tutus and puzzle pieces everywhere.  Daily life is just craziness and I'm totally exhausted half of the time.

I've never been so happy.