Nap Time Wonderings

Well, for the first time ever, Rose has decided that she does not want to take a nap today.  She usually goes to sleep around 12:30 in the afternoon and then stays down for about two hours.  She has been in her crib chit chatting to her Raf (her beloved stuffed giraffe) for over an hour now.  I'm definitely a stickler for a schedule, so this is frustrating me a bit.  I can't possibly explain how much I look forward to these two hours.  It's really the only time that I have to myself.

I used to run around the house like a complete maniac trying to get everything done that I can't do when she is awake.   But being seven months pregnant has certainly changed that a bit.  At nap time, I literally shut off my phone and get directly on the couch.  Usually, it is to catch up on episodes of all of my favorite shows and to try somewhat unsuccessfully to stay awake through all of the recordings.  Or I pick up the book I am reading and try and get through a few chapters.  Or I just sleep.  But mostly, it is me time.  All by my lonesome.

So, now I am starting to worry about the fact that naps may be starting to become non existent.  What the hell am I going to do without them?

I already worry that I don't have enough for Rose to do when she is awake.  I like for her to be stimulated and educated with something new every day.  I try to keep her away from the television and I try to keep some type of arts and crafts project on hand for her.  If she doesn't give me those two hours of down time, I am going to have to rethink our whole day.

I'm a planner and a doer.  I am a bit of a perfectionist and don't like surprises.  I like things to fit into my calendar.  I like for things to be organized and have a place to be put away.  I like things clean and picked up.  Most of all, I like to feel like I've done all I can by the end of the day.  I like to be able to look around me at night and realize I am tired because I accomplished a lot that day.

To add fuel to the fire, I am starting to realize that I have another little person coming into this equation very shortly.  I am in the third trimester of my pregnancy.  Only eleven weeks left to go.  I'm starting to have a lot of fears and a lot of apprehension about this new development in our lives.

It is such a strange thing to say, but I am actually more nervous this time than I was the first time around.  It is that point in your pregnancy when you realize that the baby has to... come out.  You can prepare for it, educate yourself and learn all you can about it.  Truth be told, there is no way to control the sequence of events that occur.  I can picture it a certain way in my head, but most likely, it won't be the way I planned it to be.

Being the perfectionist that I am, this is one of the toughest parts of expecting.  There is nothing for me to organize or plan when it comes to the birth of our new baby.  I have to relinquish all control to The Man Upstairs and that can be really difficult for me to do.

I don't need to get into the details, but I had a tough go of it with Rose.  Once it was all said and done and she came out in all of her glory, she had to be rushed away.  I didn't get a chance to hold her in my arms until she was three days old.  As a matter of fact, the first time I saw her face was in the display screen of my camera.  I begged a nurse to run and take a picture of her face because I didn't even get a glance at her.  These thoughts tighten my stomach and make my heart drop to my feet.  All that I want this time around is to be able to have a "normal" birth.  I just want to be able to have the baby placed in my arms and never let them go.

Love at First Sight

I have a lot of fears about giving Rose a sibling.  Part of me wonders if she would have been better off as an only child.  I realize how awful that sounds, but it is a legitimate worry that I have.  I feel as though I have been blessed with such an incredible little girl.  She is so good in so many ways.  She is everything I could have ever dreamed up and then some.  I just don't know how your heart can love another baby just as much when it feels as though your heart has reached its maximum capacity.  Most of all, I don't want Rose to ever feel slighted.  I want her to still know how loved she is and never feel threatened or left out in any way.  Finding that balance is going to be a huge struggle for me to get used to.  And truth be told, no matter what, Rose will always be my first true love.  She has taught me everything I know about being a Mother and that is something very special.

I find myself bouncing between being completely elated about having this baby and being completely petrified.  It's hard to be honest with those emotions but sometimes facing them head on can make them a lot less frightening.  It's hard to let go of the worry and the fear.  It is not easy to just accept things for what they are and to maintain that positive outlook that everything is meant to be.  But I will find a way to do it.

My husband put it the best way to me, "Your a Mommy now.  Suck it up and get over it."  He truly is just so...wonderful!

Wow.  Blame it on the hormones, but all of that rambling just has to come out sometimes.  Airing my feelings is the surest way to exercise them.  I feel a lot better.

And would you look at that... Rose is sound asleep.