Guilty As Charged

Something I didn't know would come along with the Stay at Home Mom gig?  The guilt.  I don't know for sure if this is something that other mothers deal with, but for me I am constantly plagued with the feeling that I should be doing more.

When I left my full time job to stay at home with Rosie permanently, it was an incredibly rewarding feeling.  At the time, she was only four months old so it just felt like an extended maternity leave.  Funny enough, the plan to stay home was not planned.  I was due to return to work the Monday after Mother's Day 2011.  As the time approached, I began to have severe anxiety about leaving her.  Suddenly, the day care that I had chosen just wasn't the right option for me.  I began to wreck my brain with other ways for me to keep the arrangement of being home with her.  As it turned out, on Mother's Day, I had a complete emotional breakdown and basically begged my husband to let me stay home with her.  My office gave me a bit more time to go over the decision, but really it was done.  

I continued to work at a restaurant in town as a waitress four nights a week.  I've been serving there for over nine years, so when I called and begged for more shifts luckily it all fell into place.  I was able to work four nights while being able to stay home and cover the same expenses that I did when I worked at the office.  It hasn't always been easy and it has taken some serious budgeting abilities, but we've done it.  

I wouldn't change a second of my time home with Rose.  I appreciate it day to day because something inside of me keeps reminding me how quickly it is all going and that someday she won't be this little person that adores me.  I watch everything she does and am always trying to find ways to make each day exciting.

Back to my original point, if I don't find something educational or enticing to do with her every day, I put myself through serious guilt trips.  Her weekly schedule involves some kind of class or interaction with other children every single day.  It may be excessive, but sometimes I feel as though by staying home with her, I have benefited myself with time with her and taken away her ability to become more independent and to have the advantage of being in a nursery school with some kind of curriculum.

Don't misunderstand me, she is super independent.  She needs to dress herself, comb her own hair and won't even hold my hand as much as she used to.  When I clean the house, she is constantly interfering saying, "Me do, me do Mommy..."  I know that she is brilliant and that she is advanced for her age.  And that she is funny and cute and the most beautiful little girl in the world.  (Wait... all parents feel that way about their children?  Huh.)

There are times when people ask me what I do with my time at home and I feel a sort of responsibility to explain all of the things that I do.  Not too long ago, I was having a conversation with my Mom's boyfriend and he asked me, "So, what have you been doing with yourself?"  I understand that this was probably a very harmless question or at the least, a conversation starter.  But part of me began to panic.  How do I explain what I do?  Why am I feeling guilty that I have the time to watch every episode of General Hospital on a daily basis during Rosie's nap time?  Does he realize that I cook dinner, do laundry, sweep and vacuum fifteen times a day all the while keeping a little person excited and interested?  Or should I just break it down into:

Monday:  Gym Class with Dawny Dew

Tuesday:  Mini Kick It at Bruce Chung

Wednesday:  Wiggle & Giggle Time at the Library

Thursday:  Swim Class

Friday:  Music Class with Ellen Watermelon

People, people... I am doing things.  I swear I am.  And yes, while I have time to address my Christmas cards with matching holiday stamps while other people are at the work doing the daily grind, I promise you, I get just as exhausted and am working just as hard but in an entirely different manner.

I always judged people who stayed home and wondered how they could do something so... mundane and repetitive.  Well, let me tell you.  Lesson learned.  It isn't all peaches and cream.  And from now on, I am going to start to work on my confidence and feel good about who I am and what I am doing with my life.

Whew.  Vent over.