Recently, I have been searching for courage to start conversations that I am sometimes too bashful to have with other parents. When I am brave enough to open my mouth, I usually find comfort and reassurance that I am in good company with a lot of the struggles that I am encountering.
In the spirit of all things Mommyhood… I’m going to vent a little.
I want to talk about my son Tommy. My bright, beautiful, rambunctious and curious little boy. When he walks into a room, I melt. He is a little Mama’s Boy but yet a strong, independent little person with a fierce personality. He has me wrapped around his little finger and he knows it. He loves to cuddle and sit up in the crook my arm. He loves being tickled and tossed around the couch. He is such a boy with his vrooming cars, roaring dinosaurs, zooming planes and acrobatic climbing abilities of furniture of all shapes and sizes.
When Tommy was about eighteen months old, I started to notice that he wasn’t as verbal as his sister was at that age. I heard from everyone how this would come along, not to rush it. His Pediatrician assured me that girls are different and boys take their sweet time talking. I took it in stride, pushed it to the back of my mind but kept that incessant nervous worry. I couldn't shake that feeling of Mother’s Intuition that something wasn’t quite right.
Fast forward six months. Still the same words, sounds and social cues. No real development of anything concrete. It was then that I went with my gut and demanded that someone tell me something. My little boy is smart and present, I could see it clearly… but he was struggling to talk to me. Tommy is almost two and a half years old and I have never heard him say “Mama.” He can’t quite recognize that things have a name. We tried picture books, photo albums and videos with concentration on words and sounds. We had Mexican stand-offs at the refrigerator where I refused to give him any juice until he could ask me for it. I was frustrated and heart broken and finally had to ask for help.
After some soul searching, we eagerly entered the world of Early Intervention, hoping for dramatic results. What an eye opening experience to have your son “tested” and “evaluated.” Therapists, Speech Pathologists and Child Psychologists came to our living room to play on the floor with him and study his mind, his reaction to objects and puzzles his cognitive ability and his fine motor skills. I sat helpless, watching as an outsider judged him and took notes on his every move. One afternoon, Tommy and I even sat in a soundproof box so audiologists could test his hearing and to make sure his ears are doing their job. When all of the testing was complete, we received a twenty page document describing all of the findings of their studies. Brian and I sat on the opposite side of a boardroom table with specialists, and child psychologists listening to them dissect and analyze every little piece of this little guy. Needless to say, it was heart wrenching.
It was determined that Tommy is a very healthy little boy with no severe developmental disabilities but with a very striking delay in his speech and some occupational therapy challenges. I am grateful and relieved that these are obstacles that Tommy will be able to overcome with time. I count my blessings that this isn’t life changing… but I continue to beat myself up on a daily basis.
The one thing that keeps playing over and over in my mind as we go down this path with him is, Have we done enough? Did I teach him enough? Do I read to him enough? Am I working too much? Is this my fault? I am reassured over and over again by the professionals that this has nothing to do with me. It is just the way his little mind is working and we are going to have to bring these things out of him. He’s going to have to work for it.
I am exasperated by this. I am bashing my head against walls trying to understand why this is going on. I realize that some of this sounds selfish. But I really cannot help myself. I am his Mom. I want all of the best in the world for him and there is nothing I can do to make this better but be patient, kind and wait it out. I think that my biggest downfall is making comparisons to other children. I hear other children his age speak multiple sentences and I can’t help but grit my teeth. People chuckle at how adorable it is that Tommy carries his airplane Dusty with him everywhere he goes. I love that about him too… but I also realize he carries a toy with him constantly because without it, he cannot concentrate. As soon as it leaves his little hand, he is lost and inconsolable.
I need to respect my little man for who he is and to respect that he is different. When it is all said and done, I have a healthy little boy with no major concerns, just some hiccups that are going to take some love and care to smooth out. It’s just another bump in the road of this strange journey called Parenthood.
I am going to continue to stay positive. I am going to cheer for his achievements and push him to try harder and at the end of the day, I am going to squeeze him a little tighter to let him know how proud of him I am and how very much I want him to reach every goal he sets his eye on. I am also going to try to be kind to myself. I am winging it and learning as I go. I will cherish every wave hello and goodbye that I can get.
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