I was at the doctor's office yesterday for my pregnancy checkup. It was totally uneventful, nothing to speak of. I went through the normal motions: peeing in a teeny tiny dixie cup (I've gotten so good at it, it's frightening), blood pressure and weight check. (Let's not go there. I have surpassed the weight I delivered Rose at. I don't even flinch anymore when I read the number.)
At the end of the visit, my MD looks at me and says, "So, I will see you in a week."
From there the heart palpitations started.
"Have you thought about packing your hospital bag yet?"
Crickets.
"Do you remember the signs of labor?"
Bewildered expression.
The only thing I could think of to respond, "So, I guess this thing is really happening huh?"
She chuckled, gave me a hug and said see you next week.
Next week. That means I am down to four more visits and the baby will be here. Actually, it could be two visits. It all depends on what this little bugger has in mind. They could come at any time. So, sincerely, I have been freaking out for the past twenty-four hours.
What I am most afraid of:
A) Water breaking and not being in an ideal place
B) The unexpected during labor and birth
C) Bringing home a newborn to a toddler that I love and worship
D) All of the above
Let's go with D.
So, I'm trying to be rational about this. Let me talk through each one of these insecurities.
A) If for any reason my water breaks in public, I keep walking, get home and never leave the house again / never shop or go to that particular location again. In the meantime, I am using positive thinking to help make it happen right here in my lovely home. However, the anxiety of not knowing when it's going to go down is incredibly frustrating.
B) The labor and birth thing? Some of me is looking forward to it. (I hear the hospital treats you to a lobster dinner with champagne the night before your departure. So, there's that.) I remember actually enjoying the labor with Rose. A small part of me is dreading it. Being a perfectionist, I have a hard time dealing with the fact that I am not 100% in control of any of the events that transpire. The last time I did this thing, it was fine. Until minutes after she was born. Then things went a little haywire and nothing happened the way it was supposed to. Let's just say that I am crossing my fingers for this birth to be completely uneventful and boring. I've even asked our families to stay away from the hospital until the baby actually arrives so that I can completely focus and have a little privacy with my husband, which was a big deal for me to get up the courage to ask of all of them.
C) To be honest, I am more afraid of Rose being unhappy about this baby than anything else. I am trying to figure out how I can make this transition with her and help her stay the well adjusted little person that she is. I am also wondering how in God's name my heart can get any bigger to fit more love in it for another little being. I am truly and utterly in love with my Daughter and every single day the love gets stronger. I worry about rocking the boat and her being resentful of a new baby. At the same time, I'm excited that our family will grow and that she will have a sibling to grow up with.
Then there is also the fear of... holy sh*t, what have I gotten myself into. The post partum, breast feeding, getting acquainted with a newborn is a wonderful and daunting thing. On top of it, I will be juggling a demanding and lovable toddler who is used to having my full attention. That definitely gets me too. I am not looking to that first day when my Hubby leaves me with two... on my own.
So... in the midst of all of this worry, pity partying and complaining... I'm trying to count my blessings and enjoy all of the time that the two of us girls have left together. Pretty soon there will be another little person that we will have to include in our kitchen dance parties.
Who am I kidding... It's all going to be amazing.
No comments:
Post a Comment