Guilt: The Gift That Keeps On Giving

Sitting here, sipping on a coffee, listening to my daughter scream her ever-living head off because she is fighting her nap tooth and nail.  Even better, Tommy is sleeping soundly fifteen feet from her.  I am just trying to take deep breaths and not go into the room and tell her for the hundredth time that I am going to throw away her princess night light or some other godforsaken toy in her room.

I just walked in there and she is standing up in her crib telling me, "MOM!!!  YOU NEED TO COME IN HERE RIGHT NOW.  YOU ARE HURTING MY FEELINGS!  I AM NEVER, EVER TAKING A NAP!  NEVER!!"  So, I laid her down on her pillow... Okay I basically smooshed her into her pillow.  Told her if she doesn't go to sleep right away we are not going to the playground for the rest of the week.  She whimpered, looked at me with big sad eyes and lo and behold... she is finally sleeping.

I hate when I have to wrestle things like this out of her.  I get that it is totally normal, but going toe to toe with her is just no fun.  She is a little force to be reckoned with.  She is busy, imaginative, curious, stubborn, talkative, bold and outgoing.  She drives me absolutely crazy and my patience is tested on a daily basis.

But let me tell you... I have never loved another person the way that I love this little girl.  I am over the moon in love with this little firecracker.  She is my little shadow.  My little helper and my little Chicken.  I couldn't picture my life without her in it.  As a matter of fact, I don't remember what it was like without children.  I've never felt such powerful love and affection.  I have a smile on my face almost all of the time.  I belly laugh at least once a day.

Nevermind, this guy... It goes without saying how happy he makes me.  My heart explodes every time I see his little smiling face.

But here is my newest struggle.  In a nutshell... I'm bored.  The guilt of the way I feel is really killing me.  After a couple of glasses of wine last night, I finally confided in my husband and told him how I am feeling.   I'm starting to feel like I'm running in a hamster wheel.  It really is true that the grass is always greener on the other side.  The life that I am living now, I would never trade in a million years.  But there are times where I feel like I am not being stimulated enough.  I feel tired, exhausted and like I'm burning the candles at both ends.

I hate that I feel this way sometimes, because I know what a privilege it is to be able to be home every day.  I do work part time, but I don't miss much.  I don't get to put my children to bed every night, but their Father does.  The majority of my day is spent with them and I know them inside and out.

When our children are older, I will always be eternally grateful for the time that I have had with them.  I've been able to watch them grow, see every milestone with my own eyes and spend every waking moment with them.  I feel funny even talking about this because it makes me sound ungrateful for what I have as a Stay at Home Mom.  I just never thought I would miss the working world so much.  I never thought I would wish I still had a career or that I could carry on a conversation without bringing up my Son or Daughter every five minutes.

While it is true that I am working every day while raising these two beautiful children, it is a different kind of job.  It's not without effort, but it certainly isn't a chore.  There is a lot of down time.  There are moments where I don't feel like doing anything, I don't feel like going anywhere or going to the park or socializing.  And those moments plague me with such guilt.  If I am not making the most of our day together, I feel like a failure.  I beat myself up and wonder... what have I taught them today?  

First Time on the Swing

If I don't go to the playground, the zoo, aquarium, the park the library... something.  I feel such guilt.  I have all of this free time and I can't find the energy or motivation to get them somewhere every day?  It really bothers me.

Feeding the ducks at The Queens Zoo

I am a slave to their schedule.  Tommy is at the age where he naps mornings from 9 to about 1130, which makes it difficult to get out of the house without completely disrupting him.  Once he wakes, it is so close to lunchtime, that it is a mad dash to make it out of the house to get them to a park, playground, pool or play date.  Then back home for lunch and naps from 1 to 4.  

Cousins' Day at the Pool

Day at The Bronx Zoo

Every day ends with me asking my Husband when he can join me and begging him to make it as early as possible.  Usually, that includes a plea for a bottle of wine.  I don't know if I drink wine because I truly love it or because it makes my evenings slightly more entertaining.  I am constantly worrying that I am not exciting enough for my husband.  I wear the same outfits on a daily basis, usually involving yoga pants and cotton t-shirts.  I look forward to bedtime every night, and actually count the hours until bedtime after they wake up from their naps.  Not because I don't love every moment with them... but because there isn't enough caffeine to keep me going full throttle.

It's a learning process.  I am still trying to figure out what Motherhood means for me and discovering what is best for them.  I'm still changing, still searching and still growing right along with the two of them.  I couldn't be more thankful for the lessons they are teaching me and the ones we will learn together.  Someone once said to me, "Staying home isn't as easy as it seems.  There are good days and there are tough days."  Truer words could not be spoken.  The two of them are the best accomplishments I have.  They are the best things that I created in my life.  But there are times when I want more for myself.  I expect more from myself.  And someday, I'd like to figure out what that may be.